Dating Advice for Writers

Recently, a young relative, who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent, was preparing for their first date through an online dating app. My husband and I met online, and so we were plying this young’un with all our so-called wisdom. In doing so, we realized we were just telling them not to do any of the things we had done. We are now happily married.

But both the hubby and I are writers. In some ways we writers are a different breed, and that means there are different ways to woo our hearts. The following is advice you definitely should not follow. It will not lead to second dates, to marriage, or to happiness. Unless you are a writer.

1. Send detailed, soulful messages to someone far, far away. What is distance, when you are pouring your heart out on the page? A ten hour drive away? Sure, you probably won’t ever meet in real life, but at least you’ll be in love. Do not call or zoom or meet. You are a writer. Only write. 
2. Stand them up at a literary event. When you are finally in the same town, cancel plans to see them at a literary event because you started dating someone else while also sending soulful messages to the writer you thought you’d never meet, and now you feel too guilty about dating more than one person. But definitely still go to the event. Make sure it’s a costumed event, so you can pretend you’re not yourself. But also, it makes for extra magic if your name could be announced at the event, so you both know the other is there. Hide in the corner. DO NOT INITIATE CONTACT! 
3. Send them weird things like a stalker. After standing them up, ask for their home address. When they shockingly give it to you, send them strange things. It’s best if these things are handmade and look it. Make sure you don’t give too much context, like an apology for standing them up or any update on your life, like that you are single again. Just the weird crafts will do. Writers like bookmarks. Extra points if they are made out of dead things, like conch feet and sharks’ teeth.
4. Bring your publisher on your first date. Sure, some people might think it’s weird to bring someone else along on a date you’ve been planning for months. But you’re at AWP, or some other writing conference, which just means all rules are out the window. Bonus points if your publisher is age appropriate for dating you. Extra bonus points if they are incredibly assertive and do most of the talking on the date. Extra-extra bonus points if your publisher drove you to the date and now you don’t have a ride home. 
5. Invite them to sleep in other writers’ beds. As you house sit for your other writer friends, invite your new flame to come along. How many already-published writers’ beds can you sleep in while you yourself are dreaming of that book deal? Has anyone washed these sheets? Perhaps some of that publishing magic will rub off on you. Isn’t it romantic? 
6. Bring them someplace scary. When you finally invite them to your own house, make sure that it’s a remote cabin without cell reception. What seemed romantic in your soulful messages will seem like a horror movie when they realize no one would be able to hear them scream. The cabin should be filled with books (signed by your famous author friends), but only have one chair, so it is very obvious you have never had company there before. The guns are optional, but the taxidermy is not. Don’t forget to sleep on your publisher’s sheets. 

For more about the follies of writers in relationships, click here. Shout out to Che Chorley for the pictures! You can find more of his amazing work here.